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Putin Defecates in Bags During Travel to Prevent Medical Espionage 

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There is a well-understood relationship between how tyrannical a world leader is and how paranoid they become, and Russian President Vladimir Putin may have just taken the cake.

But, oddly, if he had taken the cake no one would be able to tell, because the Moscow madman has a habit of defecating into a special case and transporting his fecal matter back to Russia to avoid medical espionage.

Russian President Vladimir Putin carries a suitcase filled with his own excrement and urine out of fear it might reveal too much information about his health should it fall into the wrong hands, according to reports.

“Putin fears the possibility of any information about his health getting into the hands of foreign intelligence services,” Rebekah Koffler, president of Doctrine & Strategy Consulting and a former DIA intelligence officer, told Fox News Digital.

“He wants to project the image that he will be ruling Russia indefinitely in order to deter any chaos associated with a change of power.”

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And then:

Koffler explained that Putin likely fears anyone using the excrement as evidence of some kind of weakness in the Russian president’s health.

“While there is much speculation about Putin’s having a terminal illness, the intelligence about his health is inconclusive,” Koffler said. “Short of a terminal illness, Putin will likely be Russia’s president at least through 2024 and possibly through 2036, given that his popularity has skyrocketed after the invasion of Ukraine.”

Several reports have emerged in recent months regarding Putin’s terminal cancer diagnosis, and plans for the Russian dictator to transfer power to a close confidante during a coming surgery, sparking fears of a new fatalist streak within his demeanor at a time in which he has already had his finger on the figurative nuclear button.

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About the Author:
As a lifelong advocate for the dream promised us in the Constitution, Andrew West has spent his years authoring lush prose editorial dirges regarding America's fall from grace and her path back to prosperity. When West isn't railing against the offensive whims of the mainstream media or the ideological cruelty that is so rampant in the US, he spends his time seeking adventurous new food and fermented beverages, with the occasional round of golf peppered in.